A little etiquette goes a long way, but no etiquette is way more fun. If you’re not satisfied simply annoying your flight attendants, follow these tips to see how quickly you can get your fellow passengers to clench their fists, turn a shade of purple, and give dozens of extremely passive aggressive sighs.
Getting On the Plane
– When walking through the aisle to get to your seat, make sure to carry your bag slung over your shoulder rather than in front of you. That way you’ll be sure to smack every single passenger in the head as you walk by them. It’s a good way to make friends.
– Be a bin hog. Use an overhead bin close to the front of the plane rather than the one closest to your seat. Make sure your stuff takes up the entire bin. If anyone else has something in there, move it and don’t tell them. It’s more fun to watch them search for it.
– If a fellow passenger asks you to move so that they can sit next to a family member or colleague, vehemently refuse. Insist that you booked this window seat and nothing but divine intervention is going to get you to move. Plus it’s good for children to be separated from their parents. Builds character. And newlyweds? Absence makes the heart grow fonder.
– Completely disregard personal space. Use both armrests, recline your seat all the way back (bonus points if the person behind you is tall or has a child sitting in their lap) and fall asleep against your fellow passengers (drool on them for good measure). If you spill food or drink on the person sitting next to you, don’t apologize and absolutely do not offer to pay for dry cleaning.
– Stand in the aisle. Seek out your friends, family members, or colleagues seated in other areas of the plane and lean over another passenger’s seat as you hold a two-hour conversation. Everyone knows that the perfect place to hold an impromptu business meeting or go over the details of your relationship problems is in the aisle of a plane.
– Plane food is expensive. You should bring garlic fries or a tuna sandwich with you instead.
– Grab the seat in front of you to get up. It’s not that disruptive to the person sitting in the seat when you pull on it using all of your body weight.
– Listen to your iPod at the highest volume possible. It’s a waste of money to invest in some more expensive headphones and besides, you have awesome taste in music. Everyone around you should be stoked to listen to your playlists.
– When flying at night, consider bringing a small LED flashlight or headlamp. They’re less disruptive than the overhead lights and if you choose to read or continue working, you’re less likely to disrupt sleeping passengers. Haha, just kidding. Turn on all the lights in your row.
– If a parent is on the plane with a screaming child, turn around and throw angry glares or yell at the parent. They’re probably doing it on purpose. Why else would a kid cry on a plane?
Exiting the Plane
– It’s a race. Especially if you have a connecting flight to catch. Oh, sure you could inform the flight attendant who might be able to either relocate you to the front of the plane before landing or ask others to remain seated while you sprint off the plane, but it’s more fun to join in with everyone else pushing through the aisles as they throw elbows and jump over seats in an effort to be the first person off the plane.
– If you have a lot of luggage to get down from the overhead bin, take your time doing it. In fact, this is a good time to repack your bags. Try to see how slowly you can do it.
– If you see someone struggling to get their luggage from the overhead bin, just stare at them blankly. Maybe comment on how heavy the suitcase looks and how difficult it must be to be so short.