Okay, I may not be the easiest guy to travel with but really, separate seats? I thought it was just bad luck or a lousy system that made the airlines seat us separately lately. That is until The Wife fessed up to her tricks. Here are a few reasons why.
I’m trying to work it here
I never get up-graded. Oh, I’ve tried, I’ve just never succeeded. A quick tip here: if you’re trying to claim you’re newlyweds, have your rings cleaned before the trip. It also helps if your spouse is not mad and glaring at you. Would a little affection be too much to ask while I’m scamming for an upgrade?
Somebody shut me up
I tend to be vocal about everything. Yes, I have a mouth and I know how to use it. Like the time the customs agent asked if I had anything to declare. I railed on about my socio-economic-political beliefs for a good 10 minutes before she shut me down and sent me on my way. They never did search my bags though.
The luck of the draw
If there is a child on board, he or she will be seated right behind me. Usually the screaming, hair grabbing and tears begin shortly after takeoff. After about 10 minutes or so though, the Wife has calmed me down and I’m okay after that. The kids on the other hand are fine; it’s just that without her sitting next to me, I’m setting a bad example.
Stewardesses hate me
For one, don’t call them Stewardesses. They prefer Flight Attendant, Cabin Attendant or just Miss or Sir. They don’t care for Waitress, Barmaid or my ever-popular “Hey You.” Also, note to self: just because you may think they are only a lousy waitress in a crappy bar in the sky, maybe you shouldn’t vocalize that.
I’ve got the moves
Yes, I am a fidgeter. I once tried one of those over-the-counter sleep aids. Now I know what they mean by restless leg syndrome. The poor guy on my left never said a word, but you can be assured the wife did. As a matter of fact, that was the last time we sat together.
See above about upgrade scams. I hate paying for what used to be free, so I bring my own lunch. Actually I bring it for everyone. I once was able to cover the cost of my rental car just by selling off the extra Whoppers I wisely brought along.
If I’m sleeping, I’m not complaining
I snore, she snores. When she snores, she wakes herself up. When I snore, she wakes me up too. Why wake me up? When I’m snoring I’m not complaining, whining, insulting, screaming, tearing out hair or fidgeting.