When Flight Attendants Make Us Laugh

flight attendant on plane

[Digital Vision.] / [Digital Vision] / Thinkstock

Flying can be stressful, tedious, and nerve-wracking. Crammed into a seat, wedged between hundreds of other people and facing the prospect of 10+ hours of airplane food, bad romantic comedies, and crawling over strangers every time you have to pee, flying can seem like a humorless situation. Enter the flight attendant. Offering assistance, free beverages, and pithy commentary, a flight attendant with a good sense of humor can bring the comedic relief necessary to make flying a little bit less tedious and a little more hilarious. Here are some of our favorite flight attendant quips gathered from both personal experience and travel forums.

  • “To operate your seatbelt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seatbelt, and if you don’t know how to operate one, you probably shouldn’t be out in public unsupervised. In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, margarine cups will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with more than one small child…pick your favorite.” -Southwest Airlines
  • “Ladies and gentlemen, if you wish to smoke, the smoking section is located on the wing of the aircraft. And if you can light them, you can smoke them.” -Southwest Airlines
  • “We’ll be dimming the lights in the cabin. Pushing the light-bulb button will turn your reading light on. Pressing the flight-attendant button, however, will not turn your flight attendant on.” -Southwest Airlines
  • “Your seat cushions can be used for flotation, and in the unlikely event of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our compliments.”
  • “There may be fifty ways to leave your lover, but there are only four ways to exit this aircraft.” -Southwest Airlines
  • “We are pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry. Unfortunately none of them are on this flight.”
  • “Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but we’ll try to have them fixed before we arrive.” -Southwest Airlines
  • “Ladies and gentleman, we are going down now.” We think this non-native English speaker meant to alert passengers that we were beginning our descent. At the time we hoped that’s what she meant. -RyanAir
  • “Please use caution when opening the overhead compartments as shift happens!”
  • “As you exit the plane, please make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses.”
  • “Last one off the plane must clean it.”
  • “We’d like to thank you for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you’ll think of us here at US Airways.”

By Nikki Hodgson